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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29420481">here we are, wasting our chances for the last time</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/boston_sized_city/pseuds/boston_sized_city'>boston_sized_city</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>In Strange Woods (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, M/M, Underage Drinking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 12:28:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,150</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29420481</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/boston_sized_city/pseuds/boston_sized_city</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He traces his thumb along the engraved name. Jacob Wells. His eyes blur, and he wipes them with his wrist, resting his head against the stone. "Hey, Jacob," he says softly. "I missed you."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jacob Wells/Shannon O'Connor, Shannon O'Connor &amp; Kathy Wells, Shannon O'Connor &amp; Shane (Woodsley) O'Connor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>here we are, wasting our chances for the last time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>alternate universe where bobby is replaced by woodsley's brother, shannon<br/>ft. the theory that shannon was jacob's date to prom</p><p>title from snow by ricky montgomery</p><p>(cws for underage drinking, implied suicide, death, homophobia)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's been more than ten minutes since Shannon's last seen Jacob. He knows where he is, and that worries him. He's been in the bathroom for almost half an hour now.</p><p>Shannon tells the friend he's talking to that he'll be back, and makes his way to the bathrooms. He gets to the men's and pushes the door open. "Jacob?"</p><p> </p><p>Jacob is standing in front of the sink, his hair dripping. He doesn't make any move to suggest that he'd heard. Shannon walks towards him, quietly, and he blinks, looking up. "Sorry."</p><p> </p><p>Shannon slides a hand up into his hair, leaning on his shoulder. "Are you okay?" he asks gently.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine." Jacob closes his eyes. "It's too much in there." His voice is slurred slightly. He gestures towards the door. </p><p> </p><p>"We can leave, then. Some of the guys are already headed down to the shack." Shannon wraps his arms around him, resting his chin on the top of his head. He watches him in the mirror. </p><p> </p><p>"Are you coming?" Jacob asks, tilting his head back to look up at him. His eyes keep moving, not focusing on anything.</p><p> </p><p>Shannon lets go of him to mess up his damp hair. "'Course I'm coming."</p><p> </p><p>He watches as Jacob turns the sink on and holds his hands under the water, then runs them over his face, rubbing at his eyes. He turns the water off and turns around. He smiles brightly, but it doesn't reach his eyes.</p><p>"You gonna dance with me there?"</p><p> </p><p>They both know it's a dangerous question. Because Shannon knows the question that's actually being asked. <em>Are we actually going to do this?</em></p><p>He swallows the anxious lump in his throat, and smiles. "Yeah. You'll get your dance, I promise."</p><p> </p><p>Jacob leans up to kiss him, quickly, and then turns back to the mirror to fix his hair. Shannon reaches for his hand to walk out with him, making sure to let go before he opens the door.</p><p>They grab their things, and walk out of the hotel, a little bit behind the group of friends who Shannon saw leave before them. </p><p> </p><p>The air is freezing cold. Shannon pulls his coat tighter around himself, the chilled wind stinging his eyes and cheeks. He glances behind them once, and then starts walking closer to Jacob, wrapping an arm around him. He feels him shivering and starts walking a little faster, tightening his hold to get Jacob to follow his lead.</p><p>"D'you know where you're going?" Jacob asks as they walk into the trees.</p><p> </p><p>"We've gone this way a hundred times, dude."</p><p> </p><p>"Don't 'dude' me," Jacob complains, shoving at his chest.</p><p> </p><p>Shannon leans on his shoulder while they walk. "It's your own fault, I've been hanging around the team too much."</p><p> </p><p>"I don't make you hang out with them."</p><p> </p><p>He laughs a little. "But I wouldn't if it wasn't for you. So, your fault."</p><p> </p><p>Jacob kicks snow at his ankle. They keep walking for a few minutes before they hear the sounds of laughter and drunken singing, and then they walk a little faster.</p><p>Shannon lets go of Jacob when they near the shack, lifting a hand to greet their friends. </p><p> </p><p>Jacob pushes past him to go inside. "He's been outside for too long," Shannon explains, and goes after him.</p><p>He finds Jacob away from the crowd. "Jacob? Hey, are you okay?"</p><p> </p><p>He catches the flask in Jacob's hand, and watches him take a drink from it. "'M fine," he says, shrugging a little.</p><p> </p><p>"You're getting drunk," Shannon says.</p><p> </p><p>"I always get drunk." Jacob wipes the back of his wrist across his mouth and sets down the flask. "Wanna go dance?" he asks, grinning.</p><p> </p><p>Shannon hesitates, and shakes his head slightly. "Not yet. I'm going to go find the others. Try and have fun?"</p><p> </p><p>"No promises."</p><p> </p><p>He squeezes Jacob's hand once and then walks back through the shack, seeing the shifting orange light of the bonfire they've lit. He sits down next to some of his other friends, watching the people he doesn't know have fun.</p><p>The group of girls Shannon heard before starts singing again, and this time it gets louder as more voices join in. He can't see who the first person to get up is, but soon there are a few people standing and dancing.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes find one couple dancing together. They're clearly drunk, but they look happy, the girl laughing as her boyfriend makes an awful attempt to spin her around.</p><p>His vision of them blurs suddenly, and he wipes his eyes with his sleeve. "I need a drink," he says out loud to his friends, getting up.</p><p> </p><p>He walks back to find Jacob. He finds him sitting on the floor in a corner, staring at a wall. He sits down, the floor creaking under him, and Jacob looks up, brightening. "Babyy, you made it," he slurs.</p><p> </p><p>Shannon wrinkles his nose. "I was gone for ten minutes, how much did you drink?"</p><p> </p><p>"Wanna know a secret?" Jacob falls back against his chest. He laughs. "Been drunk since prom."</p><p> </p><p>"You said you'd try to stay sober tonight," Shannon says quietly. He brushes through his hair. "We had a plan."</p><p> </p><p>Jacob laughs again. "You don't wanna do it," he accuses. "You didn't wanna dance with me and you're not gonna dance with me."</p><p> </p><p>"I promised I would, Jacob. I will. Just-- Give me some more time." Shannon sits back against the wall.</p><p> </p><p>He wishes he couldn't see the hurt flash in Jacob's eyes. "Is it 'cause it's me?" he whispers.</p><p> </p><p>Shannon blinks. "What?"</p><p> </p><p>"You don't want your family to know about me, either, and they know you're gay." Jacob's voice gets increasingly louder.</p><p> </p><p>"Keep your voice down," Shannon says, panicking a little. "It's not because it's you. I just need a few more minutes, I can't do this yet."</p><p>Jacob goes quiet, and rolls onto his side, curling up a little with his head in Shannon's lap still. It's a few minutes before Shannon makes him sit up. "C'mon, let's go sit with everyone else."</p><p> </p><p>He tries to ignore how hopeful Jacob looks, and helps him stand up, walking with him. Shannon sits back down with the others. Jacob's still standing, his eyes on the people up and dancing.</p><p>He looks back at Shannon, eyes pleading. "Wanna dance with you."</p><p> </p><p>Shannon tenses. He looks around at everyone around them. His eyes sting. "I'm sorry. I can't-- Not tonight."</p><p> </p><p>Jacob's face falls. His eyes fill with tears, and Shannon goes to hold his hand, to comfort him. He's shoved away. "I'm going home."</p><p> </p><p>"Jacob…" Shannon glances away from him, looking towards the dark woods.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll call you later." Jacob wipes his eyes and walks away from him, announcing loudly that he's going home. </p><p> </p><p>Shannon curls up in his seat, watching the empty space where he was.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>He calls the house at six p.m. He'd stayed in his room all day, waiting for Jacob to call, but the call never came. He tried calling Jacob, but it didn't go through. So he tries the house phone.</p><p> </p><p>Kathy answers. "Hello?" She sounds upset, and worried.</p><p> </p><p>"Hi, um. Ms. Wells? It's Shannon. Is Jacob there?"</p><p> </p><p>The other end of the line is silent for a minute. "Oh, Shan, your mom didn't tell you?" </p><p> </p><p>Shannon's heart starts to pound. "Tell me what? Is he okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"Jacob-- Jacob didn't come home last night. He's missing."</p><p> </p><p>His heart stops. "No-- No, he-- He said he was going to go home, he knows the way." A million different thoughts are racing through his head. He hadn't made it out before the storm hit, he'd gotten lost, he'd gotten lost on purpose.</p><p> </p><p>"They're going to send out a search party as soon as the storm clears," Kathy says.</p><p> </p><p>It isn't reassuring. "What if we don't have that long? What if he's--?" The words catch in his throat.</p><p> </p><p>He hears Kathy take a shaky breath. "They're doing everything they can. We just have to hope for the best."</p><p> </p><p>Shannon hangs up the phone and throws it onto his bed with a choked yell. His hands are shaking. </p><p>The door opens. "Shan?" He looks over to see his fifteen-year-old brother, Shane, standing in the doorway. "I heard you yell. Are you okay?"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine." He wipes his wrist across his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Shane steps into the room. "You don't really look--"</p><p> </p><p>"I said I'm <em>fine!"</em> Shannon snaps, and his brother flinches. He softens, swallowing hard. "I'm sorry. I-- I'm just stressed out."</p><p> </p><p>Shane fidgets with his sleeves. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks quietly.</p><p> </p><p>Shannon looks down and shakes his head. "No." Then he thinks for a minute, and sighs. "Yeah."</p><p>He sits down on his bed, pulling his knees up to his chest. Shane sits down next to him. He takes a breath, avoiding looking at his brother. "Did Mom tell you about that kid who went missing?"</p><p> </p><p>"Jacob? You guys were friends, right?" Shane rocks a little.</p><p> </p><p>"We-- He's not--" He feels a sharp sting at the 'were.' "He's not dead," he says, his voice wavering.</p><p> </p><p>"Oh. Sorry," Shane says, pulling his legs to his chest.</p><p> </p><p>He swallows. "No, it-- it's fine. We--" He chokes up a little. "We're not-- We aren't just friends. That's why he-- He's gone because we were going to tell people but I got scared and he got upset and he left and I didn't stop him."</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't realize he's shaking until Shane hugs him. "'M sorry," he says, and Shannon doesn't know what he's apologizing for.</p><p>He doesn't respond, only hugging Shane back tightly, letting himself break down.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p><em>Forty-eight hours.</em> They don't send anyone out to search until forty-eight hours after Jacob goes missing.</p><p>Shannon goes with them. He has to go with them, he'll never forgive himself if he doesn't at least try.</p><p> </p><p>The snow is thick, and it only gets harder to see the deeper they go into the woods. Shannon's walking with his dad, keeping close. He shivers, pulling his coat tighter around himself.</p><p>His dad notices. "I think it's time for a break."</p><p> </p><p>Shannon tenses, shaking his head. "N-- No." It's hard to get the word out, his mouth numb from cold. "No, I-- I have to-- to keep looking."</p><p> </p><p>"Shan, c'mon, we're heading back." His dad sets a hand on his arm.</p><p> </p><p>He shoves him off, stumbling as he does and falling into the snow. He doesn't move at first, stunned. And then his eyes fill with tears, and he starts to cry, holding himself in the snow and sobbing into his knees.</p><p> </p><p>His dad doesn't say anything else.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>He goes out again the next day. He won't let anyone stop him. He stays out longer this time, and it's colder, the snow somehow thicker than it was before.</p><p>It's starting to get dark, and he's starting to lose hope, when he feels something under his boot.</p><p> </p><p>He frowns and steps to the side, bending down and picking it up. His eyes widen as he looks down at the cufflink. He feels a flicker of hope, and fumbles for his phone, calling Kathy on video.</p><p>She answers, and Shannon can see the kitchen behind her. "What is it? Is something wrong?" She sounds worried.</p><p> </p><p>"N--No. No, I-- I think I found his cufflink?" He knows it's Jacob's. He'd helped him fix them before prom, and Jacob always liked to show them off and talk about them. He holds it up to the camera anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Kathy's eyes widen. "I think that's his," she says quietly. He can hear the hope in her voice. She turns, and calls, "Peregrine!"</p><p> </p><p>Shannon's only met Peregrine a few times, while visiting Jacob or if they went to watch his games together. But he trusts her, and she's one of the only few people who know how important Jacob is to him. Her, Kathy, and now Shane.</p><p>She appears on the screen, and her eyes catch the cufflink. "Is that-- That's Jacob's."</p><p> </p><p>The hope rises higher in his chest, and he thanks them, and hangs up. "Hey!" he calls out, cupping his gloved hands around his mouth. "Hey, I found something!"</p><p>His heart pounds. <em>Jacob could be alive. They could be close.</em></p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>When Shannon gets the call that they've found Jacob's body, he feels like his entire world shatters. </p><p> </p><p>The phone is shaking in his hand. "Maybe-- Maybe it wasn't Jacob, people get lost in those woods all the time, h-- he-- he could still be--" He chokes up, the words dying in his throat.</p><p> </p><p>"He's gone, honey," Kathy says, and he can hear her crying, too. </p><p> </p><p>Shannon drops the phone. It bounces off his bed and lands on the floor. He ignores it, pulling his bundle of blankets up to his chest, hugging them and sobbing.</p><p>There's a knock at his door, and it opens before he can answer. "Mom said they-- Oh."</p><p> </p><p>He doesn't look up at his brother, only buries his face further in his blanket. He feels the mattress shift, and then he feels Shane leaning against him, not hugging him, just sitting with him.</p><p>He gratefully accepts it, curling up a little more. He hears Shane sniffle, and shifts to pull him closer in a hug.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Kathy invites him to the funeral. He almost doesn't go. He wants to lock himself in his room and never come out. But he goes. He's not exactly sure why. For closure, maybe. To see him one last time.</p><p> </p><p>She meets him there, and he can tell she's been crying. She hugs him without saying anything. She pulls back. "How are you doing?" she asks, her voice quiet.</p><p> </p><p>Shannon shrugs. His shirt feels suddenly itchy, his collar choking him. "I miss him," he says hoarsely.</p><p> </p><p>"I know." Kathy hugs him again quickly, and then turns to walk inside with him.</p><p> </p><p>He can immediately see the front of the church, the small stage with a podium set to the side. His eyes are drawn to the casket on the other side of the stage, open and surrounded by several flower arrangements. He's lucky that he can't see it well from the side. Jacob's senior photo rests on a stand next to it.</p><p>He pulls his gaze away quickly.</p><p> </p><p>The crowd is buzzing with quiet whispers, but it quiets when they walk in. Shannon can feel the eyes on him. He tries to make himself smaller, fixing the cuffs of his sleeves nervously.</p><p> </p><p>Everyone here is family. He doesn't recognize most of them. They don't recognize him, either, and he knows they're wondering what he's doing here. He's filled with regret as he walks further inside, up to the front where he sees Peregrine sitting, and sits down. He knows the front row is immediate family. Everyone else does, too. He swallows.</p><p> </p><p>Kathy asked him to sit with them. <em>He's okay.</em> He's okay, this is okay, he shouldn't be thinking about everyone looking at him, questioning why he's sitting here, talking about him.</p><p>Peregrine has her knees pulled up to her chest, a large sweatshirt that Shannon knows is Jacob's draped over her shoulders. "Didn't think you'd come," she says quietly.</p><p> </p><p>"I wasn't going to," he says, looking down. He tugs at his sleeves. "I shouldn't be here."</p><p> </p><p>"He would've wanted you here." </p><p> </p><p>Shannon shakes his head slightly. "Everyone knows I don't belong here." He can't get his voice above a whisper. He grips the bench tightly with his hands, feeling it dig into his fingers.</p><p> </p><p>Peregrine is quiet for a minute. "Mom told me you were going to talk," she says eventually. "What are you going to say?"</p><p> </p><p>He tenses slightly, looking up at her. She's not looking at him, her chin resting on her knees and her gaze ahead. "I don't know," he tells her.</p><p> </p><p>"That you were his best friend?" she asks, squeezing her legs.</p><p> </p><p>He lets out a strangled, bitter laugh. "Me saying that got him killed."</p><p> </p><p>She flinches a little, and he wants to apologize. Then she says, "I'm sorry," and hugs him tight, her face buried in his shoulder. He lets her, and after a minute, hugs back.</p><p> </p><p>They stay like that until Kathy comes and sits with them. "You're going to be the first one to speak," she tells Shannon. </p><p> </p><p>He tugs at his collar. "I shouldn't-- I don't-- No one here knows me, I'm not-- I don't belong here--"</p><p> </p><p>"You know you're family, Shan." Kathy rubs his arm gently. "You don't have to say anything, but--"</p><p> </p><p>"Mom." Shannon looks over at Peregrine, who's sitting properly now, fidgeting with a bracelet on her wrist. "I think they're starting."</p><p> </p><p>Shannon looks back up to the front, and sees one of Jacob's uncles-- This one he met, once, at a hockey game-- standing there, fixing something on the podium. He's a pastor, Shannon remembers. He watches as he picks up a Bible off of the podium and clears his throat for attention.</p><p> </p><p>He tunes out, trying to think of what he'll say. What he can say.</p><p>He doesn't know how much time passes before he feels Kathy gently tap his shoulder. "Are you going up?" she asks in a whisper.</p><p> </p><p>He swallows. "Yeah-- Yeah, I-- I'll go." She squeezes his shoulder reassuringly as he stands up, his legs shaking.</p><p>He walks up to the stage, everyone's eyes burning into him, and stands at the front, turning to face the crowd of unfamiliar faces. He tugs at his sleeves again to try and keep his hands busy. "I, um." He glances at Kathy, who nods encouragingly at him. "I'm-- I'm, um, Shannon. I am-- I-- I was. Jacob's, um." A lump forms in his throat. "Jacob's…"</p><p> </p><p>Everyone's staring at him. Judging him. He can hear whispering. He can't breathe. He catches Peregrine's eyes, which are watering. She wipes them when she sees him looking. 'You're okay,' she mouths.</p><p> </p><p>"I…" He takes a shaky breath. "I was Jacob's boyfriend. That-- That's why I was asked to-- to come up here and say something."</p><p>As soon as the words are out, he feels the weight lift off his chest.</p><p> </p><p>It's immediately replaced by dread. The whispering is back, and it's louder now, and he can make out some of the words. He opens his mouth to say something else, to ignore it, to drown it out, but he can't get anything out. He looks to Kathy, panicked.</p><p>She can hear the words, too. She's frowning, her lips pressed into a tight line. Shannon can feel his knees buckling under him, and he runs.</p><p> </p><p>The bathrooms are all the way on the other side of the church. He's grateful for it. It's too far away to hear anything, to hear the voices that only get louder when he leaves, the insults muttered under breaths as he goes by.</p><p>He shoves the door open and goes to the mirror. He turns on the water and splashes it into his face. And suddenly he's crying, The tears mixing with the water and dripping down his face. His hands are shaking, pressed firmly against the counter. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to push everything down.</p><p> </p><p>He hears the door swing open again, and tenses, bracing himself for whatever's about to come. A pair of arms wraps around his shoulders. He opens his eyes. He can see Kathy behind him in the mirror. "I'm sorry," she says softly.</p><p> </p><p>He shakes his head. "N-- No, you-- you should go back." He barely manages to push the words out. "This-- This is Jacob's fucking funeral, it's not about me."</p><p> </p><p>"Shannon, honey--"</p><p> </p><p>"I'm fine." His voice breaks. "I can't-- I can't ruin this."</p><p> </p><p>Kathy gently rubs his back. "If you want to go home…" she starts.</p><p> </p><p>"No. No, I--" Shannon shrugs her off. "I can't go home, I can't-- I can't leave."</p><p> </p><p>He sees her frowning at him. "No one would blame if you did--"</p><p> </p><p>"I <em>can't,"</em> he spits. His throat is too dry, and he's shaking hard. "It's my fault he's gone, the least I could do is pay my fucking respects."</p><p> </p><p>Kathy is silent for a minute. "It isn't your fault," she says, and he's about to respond, to tell her that it is, and she can't tell him it isn't because he knows that Jacob was only out there because of him, because he was a fucking coward.</p><p> </p><p>The door opens again. Shannon looks up. Peregrine is standing there, fresh tears in her eyes. She wipes at them with her sleeve. "Shannon?" He doesn't answer, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. "Are you okay?"</p><p> </p><p>He breaks.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The snow crunches under Shannon's feet as he walks into the cemetery. He clutches the flowers in his hand tight as he looks for the headstone.</p><p>He finds it, the name sticking out among hundreds near it, and walks over. There are already flowers covering it. Fresh. He drops his, and sits down in front of the headstone, curling up against it.</p><p> </p><p>He traces his thumb along the engraved name. Jacob Wells. His eyes blur, and he wipes them with his wrist, resting his head against the stone. "Hey, Jacob," he says softly. "I missed you."</p><p>He closes his eyes, hugging his legs to his chest. "I'm sorry. I should've… I should've just given you that stupid dance. Fuck, I wanted to dance with you. But I just… I got so scared, and I'm sorry." He takes a shuddering breath, burying his face in his knees. "I didn't tell my family about you because I was scared then, too. They've always been okay with it, and I know they would be okay with it, but I-- I couldn't help it, thinking that maybe they wouldn't be. Maybe they were those parents that were okay with it in theory until I brought a boy home."</p><p> </p><p>Shannon can feel the snow start to fall, landing in his hair and on the back of his exposed neck. He doesn't lift his head, only shivers. "I love you. Loved you." He sniffles. "I didn't get to tell you when you were alive, and now you're gone, and it's my fault, and wherever you are, I hope you can hear me." He hugs his shaking legs tighter. "Remember in middle school, when you said that we were going to move to California and get married and live forever?" He manages a shaky laugh. "We weren't even together yet. But you knew I was gay and you didn't want me to be lonely and you said you'd 'take one for the team.' And then a week later you told me you thought you were gay, and it still took us a <em>fucking</em> year."</p><p>He lifts his head slightly to wipe his eyes, and looks at the headstone, laying his head against it. "I told my little brother. Shane. He's been helping. At least I have someone I can talk to about it. He's the only one who knows I'm here, talking to you."</p><p> </p><p>The wind starts picking up around him. He ignores his hair blowing into his face. "I miss you. A lot. I keep thinking that maybe there's a chance I'll wake up, and maybe you won't be gone, maybe you'll be right there to hold me and tell me it's okay and that you won't leave." He swallows down a sob. "Seamus says he thinks it was on purpose. That you-- That you got lost. I don't think he meant anything by it, I just… Was it?"</p><p>He pulls his jacket tighter around himself. "I guess I'll never know, but I… I guess I didn't think about it before. That you could've-- could've gotten lost on purpose. That you would."</p><p>He can't hold in the sob this time. "I don't know if you would have. I don't want to think about it. I don't want to-- to think that I-- that I made you--" He chokes. "Please tell me you didn't," he says quietly, and he knows he won't get an answer, but he goes quiet, listening to the wind.</p><p> </p><p>Shannon stays there, silent, for a long while. And then he stands up, digging his hand into his pocket. He takes out a wrinkled photograph.</p><p>It's him and Jacob, the night of their freshman year homecoming. The night that Jacob had officially asked him to be his boyfriend. They look happy, he thinks, staring at it. He's not looking at the camera, his face buried in Jacob's neck, his arms wrapped tightly around him. Jacob is hugging him with one arm, holding his hand with the other. He's smiling. <em>Alive.</em></p><p>His hand is shaking as he holds it. Then he sets it down on the top of the headstone, picking up a rock and setting it on top to hold the photo in place.</p><p> </p><p>"I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" he says, and touches the headstone once before turning and walking out of the cemetery.</p>
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